I've been dating again. If you've been following for a while, you'll know that back in November of last year I went through a breakup. I kept pretty quiet about it. For me, it was heart wrenching.
But more than anything - I decided I wanted it to be pattern breaking.
I was tired of ending up in those "I need to prove it to you that I'm worth it" kind of loves where I people pleased my way into getting the commitment that I wanted only to realize my partner had fallen for the fabricated happy-all-the-time healer... not the full spectrum of me as a human.
I dated for a short stint right after the breakup happened. I recognized I wasn't ready for anything serious as soon as I started going out with new people. It was an escape. Not a real inquiry.
At the time, I was sleeping in my parents living room on an air mattress with my sister. No money, no plan. Everything that I *thought* my life was going to be up until this point was, well, not it.
I had worked hard to create the dream. Luxe villas in Bali. An entrepreneurial, tall, dark and handsome partner. A thriving six-figure business called Rebelpreneurs. And what I learned what I got there... was that there were things far more important to me than what I **thought** were my priorities.
As soon as I had this realization, my life started to crumble involuntarily. I was clinging to everything that I had settled for, trying to still make it become what I really wanted, and the grip of control did nothing to stop the dismantling.
One thing I've come to realize: "Once you claim more for your life, there is no amount of control that will stop everything that isn't it from leaving to make space for what you truly desire." This sounds so nice in theory. But when you're going through it? It's the purge, and it hurts.
My parents tried to come to Indonesia to be with me and my partner, and the day of their flight the country went into an emergency lockdown.
My (multiple) businesses slowly dried up and I had to shut the doors on the stable business I'd created to start over from alignment.
My relationship began to crumble.
My health and energy levels declined.
It all culminated into the moment I mentioned, sleeping on that air mattress feeling sorry for myself.
There were no more travel plans with my partner. No more plans of marriage and settling down together to build the home I'd imagined. No more financial stability. No more, no more, no more... self esteem.
Ugh, how I had fallen for 'what could be' and ignored everything that was happening in the now.
Those initial dates I went on were coping. Fast fucks, escapes from home, tequila filled nights, avoiding my problems and looking for somebody else to form a hopeless attachment to a hopeful future instead of the person they were showing me to be.
I caught the spiral quick, a few weeks into it happening, after God gave me the awakening of ending up in a guys car with his cousin who was high and shot off a pistol while we were driving. There were many blessings that night. One being that no one was injured. Another being that the sound of the bullet leaving the gun blasted me back into my body, into the gift that is my life, and made me pick my jaw and my dreams and my personal power up off the mother fucking ground.
Shortly after this experience, another prayer was answered and I created (as I have many times before) something from nothing. Enough money to get a one way ticket to Mexico with no plan, no idea where more money was coming from, and no idea what was next.
What I did know in that moment: I needed space to observe and integrate the last couple years of my life and my relationship with distance and fresh perspective.
Ironically, the first week I landed in Cancun I had a friend call me. I was set to visit her the following week in the small-ish town of Puerto Escondido. On the phone she said, "It's crazy! I ran into your ex on the beach, he's staying just 10 minutes up the road from us. Did you know?"
I hadn't known.
But in that moment I knew, even as the dread filled my stomach, that it was absolutely for a reason it was all being orchestrated. Even if I didn't run into him, I knew that the emotions that stirred at the thought of it were necessary.
We did end up running into each other. The third day after I had arrived in Puerto Escondido I randomly saw him walking on the dirt road outside the place I'd stopped for a salad bowl. It was of course the first time I'd ventured out for a solo dinner - so I had no buffer of friends. It was just me, him, and all the shit we hadn't said for the month we'd spent physically apart before I finally called him and said I couldn't do it anymore.
After that experience, I went on a wild ride in Mexico. The trip that was supposed to last a few weeks turned into six months!
In that time some pretty incredible things happened.
I was a sacred birthkeeper for my best friend Comet and the wild at home free birth of her baby Galaxy. It was just me, her, and Galaxy's father present for the 17 hour labor that brought him earthside.
I had a wild encounter with a scorpion during the birth experience that taught me a lot about myself, grace, and the untameable.
I traveled all over the country and made new random friends, experienced unexplainable magical synchronicities, and created bonds that started lifetimes ago.
There's so many stories to tell. Those six months feel like a lifetime of lessons and integration.
And where am I now? Back in my parents home in Texas, ha!! But everything is different now.
I am different now.
My dreams are different now.
My confidence is back.
And this witch... is just getting started on this new chapter.
Recently I met someone. I'm excited to document this because it's so radically different than any dynamic I've had before.
It's calm. It's peaceful. It's deep listening and understanding. It's lighthearted and fun.
I have a history of anxious attachment. And the other day, I shared this with him in conversation. I said "It really supports me when you send me a message during the day if you're busy, just to let me know you're ok and thinking of me. It also makes me feel good when you are clear with where you are and give me updates when we have plans."
He said "Ok, I can do that for you. Thank you for sharing with me! I appreciate how you communicate."
And that... Felt like fucking magic!!
It also felt like validation. The work is working. And I'm so excited to see what else this frequency calls in.
Ways to Work with Me
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