Embracing My Shadow as a Turn On and "Existential Kink" by Carolyn Elliot

Jul 30, 2022

Right now I'm reading the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot. I'm only about halfway through, but this book is definitely up my alley and I'd already recommend it to anyone.

When I posted that I am reading it to my IG story, I had a friend from Tulum reach out and say "OMG THIS IS YOU IN A BOOK!"... and with sections titillatingly titled things like "Godself Kink" and "The Sexual Process of Magic" I couldn't agree more.

My Double Scorpio with a Cancer Moon ass couldn't be more excited about combining sex, kink, healing, pain, and pleasure.

As I delved into my past patterns around money and relationship (which are undeniably interconnected) I discovered this belief laying in my unconscious:

“If I only make money when I’m happy, then everytime I’m broke I get to avoid my not feeling good so that I can make money again.”

I realized today I get off on being broke when I’m sad because that means I have an excuse to not dive into my sadness, anger, frustration, or hurt.
Instead, I get to focus on “being happy” and “feeling good” cus that’s the “only time I can make money.”
I used the process from Existential Kink today to “get off” on my unconscious desire to avoid negative feelings by making myself broke -

And I instantly had an overdue payment come in even though I’m “feeling bad” today.

This really got me thinking about Hustle Culture. One of my core foundations of my business is fuck hustle culture and I'm most definitely here to dismantle it. And well, to do that, I'm gonna have to choose not to hustle

The truth that I know in my conscious that I am now deconditioning home to (which means I'm rewriting my unconscious programming around) is this:

Some periods of life are for slowing down and deep healing. Honor them. You can make oodles of money and create from the winter season, too.

Don’t let hustle culture fool you. We’ve been taught that to create and be “worthy” of receiving we have to be “on” aka productive, efficient, and burning.

Dismantling this paradigm means learning to feel fully, express authentically, and create balance -

While also learning to receive while we aren’t “on” according to societal standards.

So, I'll be over here feeling the full spectrum of my human experience and anchoring in every step of the way "I am enough as I am to have it all."

You coming?

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